6 posts tagged “jordi hates flames”

I am not re-writing a new report Capschick, I tried my best. YOU CAN’T MAKE ME!

Well I fought the law and the law won. I poured my heart into a little post which got shot down for being inadequate. It wasn't what I said really, just how I said it. And I was fuming but got over it and had some icecream. Well it was pretty obvious by then that I had to write a cheese post. But I gave up cheese. Well momentarily, my last post was a little cheesy and well I wanted to tone the cheese down to a minimum. Unfortunately I'm going to have to borrow a healthy dose of cheese for it to work. Sit tight kids, it's gonna be a fun night.

Anyway in my zen-like gaze into why it was that I couldn't write about the Flames, I started looking at my roots as an Oiler fan. It's nothing new, Oiler fan hates Flames - hmmmm where have I heard that one before? But you see, I don't hate them as much. In fact on a good day, I may start cheering for them. I hate the Sens for a large amount of reasons, to me there are teams that seem to embrace what I find somewhat objectionable. The Flames are surprisingly a team that I find do not have the kind of problem overall. Sure, Iginla's a terrible guy but he has provided for his team a hope and leadership that will be hard to replace easily. It seems that it is teams like this who value the sense of a C so much because they have such a strong figure themselves. They value it because they have it.

The Flames were praised constantly for their variety of solid goaltending and even their big name players like Phaneuf. I'm a bit of an underdog fan (the concept not the actual action hero). I thought it was a bit long and senseless to put them at the top, but when they started battling it low I was a little hooked. I had no trouble somewhat sympathetically looking at the Flames when this had happened. They were playing like they had something to prove in that sense, and at the same time I was a little jealous.

A lot of people are never satisfied with a first round exit, to me making the playoffs is more than enough. If you hate to leave before the party starts, so be it. However you're almost given a chance to prove yourself to everyone. Whether you played 4 futile games or 7 tiring ones. The fact that the Flames stretched it out to 6 is fairly admirable. My jealousy is thus, I love teams that try to battle it to the final hour, to push and pull, maybe they run home victorious or they walk home with their head hung low. I was jealous that that I did not have that team. Even if you only got to wear the colours for one week, at least you got to cheer and support them.

And I have my guilty pleasures, I like watching their style of hockey more than I can stand Jersey style snoozefests. It's a lot faster and edgier, it's really what makes a BoA game fun. Because the Oilers are definitely not a team anymore, they're just a bunch of highly paid ice fillers. I think Lombardi is the hottest thing to have ever graced that town and overall it's a crying shame they didn't do better in the playoffs. They had the potential to tear it up but it's almost a sad twist of fate it didn't go that way. My heart also eternally beats for Finnish goaltenders, I am eternally a member of the I heart Kipper fanclub though I may not own one of the official shirts.

Ultimately, I hope the Flames are forever like this, a good competitor with the same attitude. Maybe one day I could actually be a Flames sympathiser but overall, the Flames aren't a bad bunch.

And hey, Roli was a Flame!

While I feel rather dirty by doing this post, maybe I just let out my inner Flames fan. Lets hope I've locked the door tight and it doesn't get back in.

A decently good memory of the Flames happened when I was on the top of the CN tower. Kid runs to her mum and dad right after staring at the TV in the restaurant.

Kid: Daddy daddy! The Flames lost to Wild in the shootout!
Dad: Great, we’re on the top of the CN Tower and we’re watching flipping hockey.

Anyway there’s a certain kind of hatred I hold for the Flames – apart from being an Oilers fan. I mean I see it like the way people from Victoria see Tasmanians in Australia. They’re not that far from each other but the taste seems to evaporate down south.

And you know, I got fucked over. I got mutha-fricken tagged. It sounds like fun, joining in some simple little playoff pool – lay low Jordi, have fast legs when something bad happens. And then now I have to write a stupid lovepost on how much the Flames aren’t a bunch of sissies, really, they just wear pink panties.

Son of bitch.

Capschick gave me a couple of requirements; the post had to be well researched and not have any name calling.

And I’m going to beat Steph (who is cursed with the same task) to the punch and focus on the players (the most common response to HLOG question #8). Additionally, I may skip the research bit but I may slip up on the name calling. Though I guess I can’t call Duncan a queer and Lombardi the queen of the fairies.

Let’s get this rolling, a nice comment to every single kid on the Flames roster – Jordi’s most influential Flames of 2006-2007 – minus the other kids who were traded away (Sorry Ference.)

Dwayne Roloson – Hah, thought I was gonna give in without a fight right? If there was anything hot about the Flames, this is it. In the end, the Flames unfortunately have the final laugh as Roloson is picking up his pension money and still fails to show up at Oiler games when the cold gets to his knees. It gets into his old battle wounds from playing second fiddle to Manny the Tranny.

#34 Miikka Kiprusoff – Okay, don’t freak out here, I’m afraid I have a mini crush on this dude. I mean, he’s Finnish with Eurovision blood pulsing in his veins. I could take him home neatly shaven in a suit and convince my mum that yes he’s an accountant who believes in no sex before marriage. And I think his grandma’s chinese. Oh and no ma, he doesn’t smoke. And you gotta be mildly curious about the libido of a man who does extra stretching.

#29 Noodles – Number of people lumberjacked by Mclennan? One. Similar acts done by Jussi? Zero. I’m afraid Jamie takes the cake this round, though I’m not sure whether that makes him a plain badass or a total twit. Though to be fair on the poor boy, Franny probably made some racist slurs against his Canadian mop of hair and something about marrying your sister. I’m not making things up here, really, I’m just discussing on some comments that may or may not have been said that led to a slash that Noodles may or may not have did.

#35 Brent Krahn – Who the feck is this guy? Get the fuck back to Omaha. Prefers to be called Kraw the Warrior King.

#3 Dick Van Dyke – Born on Christmas day in Bethlehem (possibly Jewish OMG), starred in Bewitched until he turned out, you know, gay. Still gets more action than the average Flames fanboi. Originator of what is the most overused and annoying term of “Phaneufed” which I am told is Canadian for knobhead.

#4 Roman Hamrlik – Born on Boxing Day which was a bit anticlimactic so the Czech Republic ran out of vowels in his last name. Is so full of man his parents felt it imperative that it make up the first half of his first name.

#5 Mark Giordano – Blimey this kid gets paid 450,000? I can do the same thing but add some sweet lovin’ on the side. Oh and um, he probably drives a nice car?

#6 Brad Stuart – Don’t think I really saw this guy play much, except when he was a Bruin and I boo those suckas too. Though apparently he has 5 points, does this guy even exist?

#7 Andrei Zyuzin – He sounds like those guys who wanted the Russian equivalent of Julio Iglesias but the older brother got that name first. There were however plenty of Zs (just like a Flames game hah!)

#21 David Hale - … Who the fuck are you?

#28 Robyn Regehr & #49 Richie Regehr – Poor Richie’s shaking off some concussion like symptoms from the hard partying of the annual Flames Golfing Club Karaoke Night. Has a less talented brother with a girl’s name. Robyn was born in the exotic land of Brasil whose parents were Mennonite Missionaries (which I assume is the equivalent to Satanists). Richie, however comes from the uber cool land of Indonesia which is closer to me and I can say several phrases in it thanks to the magic of Bahasa. Like “Boleh!” and “Saya Percuma!” oh and “Aku Cinta Kamu/Padamu”. We would totally rock that missionary.

#44 Rhett Warrener – I always felt Rhett was an old dude’s name, a bit like Albert. This guy seems to be part of the little team that couldn’t all the time, which is a little sad but funny as an Oilers fan. Additionally I always wondered what if you get into the Stanley Cup Finals, change your name to Dixie Normous and win it?

Kill me. Kill me now.

#10 Tony Amonte –nice things nice things. His birthday is in August, 24 days earlier than mine, pretty awesome don’t you think?

#11 Stephane Yelle – Stephanie was too manly for him so his nickname is… Sandbox? Numbers look a little abysmal but what do I know? I have a manlier name than him. Enjoys whaling in his spare time.

#12 Iggy – The incredible Hulk, if he weren’t so busy pissing the shiznits off everyone he’d realise how much of a little twat he’s been acting every now and then. He gives money to like kids right? Well that’s dirty money that is. He probably got it dealing drugs to kids or pimping. Besides that Hulk business clashes with his uniform colours.

#15 Byron Ritchie – “F--- you, you f---ing Frogs! F--- them all!”. Priceless.

#16 Jeff Friesen – Catchy name, not so catchy numbers.

#17 Eric Godard – Glorified equipment guy.

FUCK THE FLAMES I DON’T CARE ABOUT WRITING NICE THINGS ABOUT THEM.

#18 Matthew Lombardi – Queen of the Fairies. Kinda hot actually.
Yeah he’s hot. I’ll let you in on a Jordi secret. My mouth literally waters over this kid.

#19 Wayne Primeau – The trade dude. Who cares about him? Who cares about this post? It’s not my fault the Flames lost the playoffs. You know whose fault it is? Wayne fucking Primeau.

#20 Kristian Huselius – Swedish, which is kinda hot. “In 2005, Huselius and fellow Swedish hockey players Henrik Tallinder and Andreas Lilja were investigated on suspicion of sexual exploitation.” Okay not so hot anymore.

#22 Daymond Langkow – There should be a trophy for this guy, really. It should be called “when Langkow fucks everyone else over”. It’ll have skulls and daggers and people commiting ritual suicide. It’ll be badass.

#24 Craig Conroy – Iggy’s pal right? By default a bit of a douche.

#25 “Bitch Set Me Up!” Darren McCarty – Bit of a guilty pleasure. I won’t say any more.

#26 Marcus Nilson (left)– Swedish and scandal free, phew. Not bad at all.

#40 Alex Tanguay – HOLY FUCK EIGHTY ONE POINTS.

#58 David Moss – “And this is where I play hockey alongside Huselius and Langkow, I don’t really do much but they toss me a bone now and then. I call it the gravy train.”

Runners up who didn’t make the cut: Duncan, Sutter (“Flames… bad… team…”), Playfair (if I have to hear ANOTHER thing about him), Ference, Kobasew, Lundmark (sorry boys), the Zamboni driver.

Okay so I flubbed a bit. A bit. Kind of.

I am not re-writing a new report Capschick, I tried my best. YOU CAN’T MAKE ME!

*goes to commit ritual suicide*

gunstress@gmail.com (2:26:27 PM):	I MADE A QUICHE TODAY
DCCapsChick27 (2:26:29 PM):	I'm wide awake
DCCapsChick27 (2:26:30 PM):	YAY
DCCapsChick27 (2:26:31 PM):	um
DCCapsChick27 (2:26:32 PM):	so
DCCapsChick27 (2:26:34 PM):	I have
DCCapsChick27 (2:26:34 PM):	some
DCCapsChick27 (2:26:35 PM):	bad
DCCapsChick27 (2:26:36 PM):	new
DCCapsChick27 (2:26:37 PM):	s
DCCapsChick27 (2:26:40 PM):
gunstress@gmail.com (2:26:41 PM):	IS SMYTH DEAD!?
DCCapsChick27 (2:26:45 PM):	uh, no
DCCapsChick27 (2:26:46 PM):	not that bad
gunstress@gmail.com (2:26:50 PM):	...
gunstress@gmail.com (2:26:54 PM):	jesus woman don't scare me

Screw you bitches. I think I know the reason for this.

Jordi was so ill from this game she puked. She puked everything she ate, she puked bile and she puked the members of the Ottawa Senators team that she usually eats for breakfast. (Spezza is hanging out to dry with his pink panties on). Lastly, she puked the tricycles that belonged to the Sedins.

Come on Hasek, stop the fucking choke game, it's unbecoming and who cares if you probably wont beat the Ducks. If you lose this fucking deal you are going to Phoenix to bend over and pick up soap.

So take Phaneuf, handsome being and all. Why the hell aren't you guys like... hitting him from behind with a big stick!? Either way if you guys can't even stop Lombardi and the Happy Days Gang then I'm going over there with my lead pipe and I'll, you know, help for you.

I already say mean things about Bufallo and I don't wanna jinx the Samsonov comeback special.

So I'll just focus on the flames.

... Um...

They're not even good looking!

Okay fine I suck at this. Apparently Hockeygirl claims I am pretty scathing with my comments. So check out her matchup of Mr Dreamy and Mr "well I kinda like like him and if only he were on the other team.."

So here is all I have. For example the Flames are Iggy-less and the Oilers are Studly Staois-less. I think we have less. I mean Staios is pretty, he has hissy fits like a MAN! And as well he plays for ME!

Nonetheless I hope the Flames have finished their compulsory reading for the night:

Okay okay, enough with the girls hockey books.

As well me and Hockeygirl have planned to be at the BoA game with big nets... Or a big black magic bag to whisk away players to our basement. Catch us taking Dion down first and it becoming a big magnet for players!

Hockeygirl has decided Kipper's her man for the night, I've got Roli in hopes for my goalie to love me again!

"Can't play! Jordi needs my help!"

I have a date with my friends to keep and will be missing the games. I will beg for the lord to help me in this time of need. Considering I've never really contacted him for anything. And he must think I'm a heathen with my harem of men.